Resolving Conflicts: Peace or Drama?

Evelyn, This has been a big theme in my journey, as I think anger born from a sense of ‘being wronged’ was a big pattern of mine when I entered adulthood. I have worked at untangling the ego threads underlying this, and it is much better now, but still when I am under stress or challenged in some way, anger is the most likely negative tendency to enter my awareness. And it is interesting how easy it is to profess peace/compassion while doing it in a self-righteous/dogmatic way that actually puts out and attracts anger rather than peace! I think for me working at understanding others, rather than trying to ‘push’ myself into an emotional feeling of compassion, has been the key to working through this. Thanks for another insightful post.

Hi Evelyn,

Thanks fior this post. This is something that I’ve been trying to work through for the past few months, since my last relationship ended. While trying to process things, and see where I went wrong, I’ve found myself slipping into “victim mode” again and again.

Whenever I find myself playing the victim, I force myself to take a step back, and ask myself : “Why did I bring this problem into my life? What am I trying to teach myself?” Sometimes, that’s all I need to clear my negative thoughts and move on. Other times, it takes more work before I’m ready to forgive.

In the end, I think forgiveness is the key. Not only do you have to forgive others, but you have to forgive yourself, too.

Hi Evelyn,

It’s interesting to think about my thought processes in these situations. As hard as it sometimes seems, I try to ask myself, “Is this really where I want to focus my energy?” And in many cases, I realize that any negative energy I have comes from anticipating — not from what actually is. Luckily, I’m an optimistic person most of the time, so it’s easier to snap out of negative directions.

Thanks for your insights!

Hi Evelyn,
The idea of choice is what’s jumping out at me here. And as much as I know this – the idea that between stimulus and response, we have the choice of how to respond (from Stephen Covey – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which I think applies to what you’re saying as well). In that moment of choice, what am I choosing? Is it a response based upon understanding and peace – or one of putting up shields, and creating a confrontational situation? And the other thought I’m having is about understanding others. Great stuff to think about Evelyn!

There are some sound psychological concepts in this article. For example, often when we can’t figure out why something makes us so angry, it can be a trait of our own that we are in denial about, because we dislike that trait so much, we can’t admit that we have it.

One of the best and hardest lessons I’ve learned in therapy is to let go of all-or-nothing thinking. I used to speak in terms of “I hate that” or “I love this,” instead of “I dislike that” and “I enjoy this.” If something wasn’t perfect, it was awful.

Nothing is ever all bad; nobody is ever totallly wrong. When you can remember to see that all of life is shades of gray, not black-and-white, then you can accept that each of you in the argument is probably partly right and partly wrong. Acknowledging what’s right in the other person’s argument often helps them back down from their own all-or-nothing thinking and encourages dialogue and compromise.

I also think that, as you say in different words, as long as we think violently, we’ll have wars. Those Americans who want to “bomb them back to the Stone Age” or “let’s kill them all and let God sort them out” are creating the potential for war.

Hi Evelyn,

You are right…it all boils down to the fact that we have the power to choose what we want. If we want peace, we have to be peace. It is so simple yet we humans complicate things for no reason. This post will serve as a reminder that we each have the power to create the reality that we wish. 🙂

Hi Evelyn,

Just want to take the time to say — Great article! This is my first time here. I found your site through my cousin. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts, and taking the quiz. Really loved the mind movie — very creative & good music too. This looks like a great site! You now have one more reader.

Hi Evelyn,

Wow you are talented – very thought provoking and beautiful post.

When I began blogging about natural healing I felt I was at war with BIG Pharma. I was so upset that for years I had been told to take drugs and no one ever mentioned the possibility of me healing myself. When I approached it that way it caused anger in myself and resistance and anger from readers. In shifting to coming from a place of peace and love and writing about healing EVERYTHING changed.

I agree we are mirrors and BOY have I seen this CLEARLY in my own life. I choose to approach life from peace and love. Usually my son is the only one who can ruffle my feathers and I am working on my patience with a 9 year old boy – because I know it is I who am allowing myself to become ruffled! 😉 I am generally at peace which is the opposite of how I was for so long and to say life flows easily and beautifully now is a HUGE understatement! 🙂

Thanks Evelyn — so important and a lovely job of writing.

Love, xo
Jenny

Thank you very much for the post Evelyn. I’ve been experiencing lots of drama these past months. This was a very enlightening post. Let’s all make peace!

I usually avoid conflict and drama simply because it’s not worth it. It’s a waste of precious time and energy. I do think that avoiding conflict at all costs is a mistake – sometimes we need to be assertive and stand for what’s important to us.

Thanks Evelyn for the sharing..:)

I had many arguments in the past few weeks and after reading your post, on close reflection, I guess that there is a part of me that wants “drama”, and of course that stupid ego of mine…

I always told my friends that whenever we experience a “strong” emotion (like love, hate, lust etc), we should try our best to “separate” ourselves from the emotion, to literally “feel” and realise that the emotions are actually not “me”, and we have the choice not to be controlled and “engulfed” in it. Simple mindfulness, FEEL, HEAR, SEE to BE in the present and moment is the key to realising this…. but I guess I am not applying it.. haiz

I love what you said about life being a mirror and making peace with the present moment. Both of these statements are so true nad we would be wise to listen to your words.

Great post!

http://positivelypresent.typepad.com

Hi Evelyn: I think you make a very good point here. People who experience a lot of conflict in their life need to ask themselves: how am I contributing to this? At the very least you can choose to remain internally at peace regardless of what might be going on around you.

Thanks for this post. One thing I’ve found in my meditation practice is that my body has a specific way that it feels when I am getting into conflict mode — there’s a tightness between my shoulder blades and a sort of “sour” feeling (that’s the best words can do I think). When I breathe deeply into that area and loosen it up, the conflict-ridden thoughts also tend to quiet down.

“You also look for instances that strengthen the same story. Each instance is a validation of “I am right” thought pattern.”

This is so true in my experience and from observing others. We see only what we want to see, and choose to give more attention and energy to facts that build up our story, while ignoring facts that suggest the story is overly dramatic or even untrue.

I like this series of posts on the ego, Evelyn. I find that often my ego chooses drama over peace as well. Thanks for the insight!

This post certainly offers universal themes human beings can relate to.
Hidden anger is something often unnoticed or disregarded. A person can believe he successfully keeps negative energy ‘in check.’ Yet, this is not the same as choosing to feel, explore unacknowledged feelings and learn to deal with them. The thing is, people do not always know why they feel as they do. As you learn how it feels to be more honest with yourself, it becomes easier to sort through the anger. As Jenny Mannion says, one can transmute negativity into love and forgiveness. The result is an incredible lightness of being, the core feeling of soul love.

I find the key in any conflict is asking yourself what you want to accomplish.

Once you have that map, it gets easier. Otherwise, it’s all too easy to react in the moment.

Inspiring Post Evelyn. I really see AMM evolving into something spectacular. I loved the idea “Life Is a Mirror. What you get out of life pretty much mirrors your thoughts.” Very true.

I started to find more peace in my life when I gave up my need to be right. This quote also taught me that in some conflicts, its better to discard then to argue.

“Where is the peace in more is better? This idea keeps us exclusively in the physical domain. You can replace the more is better belief with an inner serenity that doesn’t need more to be acceptable. There is no peace in more is better, and if it doesn’t being peace to your life, then it’s something you want to discard.” Wayne Dyer

Cheers

Jonathan

Hi Evelyn,

It’s really interesting how strong our desire to be right can be, and we can get so caught up in it that we’re completely blinded to how miserable it can make us. Sadly I don’t do it often enough, but when I do manage to catch myself in the act of feeling righteous and hard done by, I now ask myself “do I want to be right or be happy?” That never fails to shift my perspective and I easily let go of the need to be right then. I remember that I can choose peace instead 🙂

Thanks for this powerful reminder!

As Liara Covert points out, you can let negative events unfold without them affecting your own peace. It’s how you look at things.

A bit not letting myself be at each this very moment, because I’m thinking of all the things I “should” be doing, rather than enjoying blogging, but that will pass too. And very soon.

Evelyn,

Thanks or this post. You are so right and I resonated with what you said 100%. It was only lately, after I bumped into my thirties that I start to understand some of the patterns of my life. The biggest the conflict I had with some people, the biggest the lesson. The biggest the deceit I had in personal relationships, the higher the freedom feeling that followed. Making peace is hard because you feel you lose something. But being in the present moment you can’t really lose anything, because all you have is the present moment.

Everything around us is a reflection of ourselves. Honesty and courage is what make this picture a little brighter.

It is a constant battle for me to keep my emotions in check, especially while dealing with situations that challenge and annoy. I really like what you said here: Life Is a Mirror. We more often than not get back what we give. I say, Kill ’em with kindness.

peace,
mike
livelife365

This has been a very useful post for me. I’m facing a potential argument with one of my colleagues that’s been on my mind for several days now. By the end of your post I was able to figure out what I need to do and part of that is to be in the Now when this impending discussion happens. And, like magic, my dread of the situation is gone! I needed to read this today. Thank you!

I often hear people say that happiness is contagious. This post is reminding me (at the perfect time) that the ego is contagious too. When someone speaks to me from the ego it is very easy for my ego to jump into the conversation to react. The secret for me is to build space between hearing someone’s ego and responding to give myself time for observation and awareness. This is so difficult to do in the heat of the moment.

Hi Evelyn. I’ve enjoyed reading all the comments. It’s great to see how many doors one blog post can open. What Dot said about how all of life is shades of grey resonated with me big time, as well as J.S. Meier’s point that the key in any conflict is asking yourself what you want to accomplish.

Great post, Evelyn. Trying to make others wrong is such an insidious habit. I was not even aware how much I did it until I read The Power of Now. Of course, I still do it, but much less.

I think ‘being right’ and ‘making others wrong’ is still the main engine that drives politics everywhere.

Peace or drama; when you put it like that way, it’s an easy choice.

Dear Evelyn,

I have a question, but that is based on your latest Akashic Record post ( I can’t post there). You mentioned something I find extremely interesting, the “fifth dimension” (the Spirituality).

We understand from the laws of the Universe in Scientific perspective, that the Universe follows the Space-Time law, and there are 4 dimensions. Length, Width, Height, and TIME. Everything is relative to each other, and the dimension of the Space-Time is warped and curved, likened to a Cone. This was FIRST visualized by Prof Albert Einstein, which he published in his Special Theory of Relativity where he linked Space-Time with matter and Energy, and that EVERY object in this Universe can be represented by 4 numbers which define one unique position in the Universe.

I understand you have a special power that enables you to view one’s soul records, and I thought that since you mentioned about the “5th” Dimension, I like to hear from you more about this ? In your visualization, how is the 5th Dimension related to the 4 Dimensions explained in Science? Is the Akashic Records or the Akashic World in the 5th Dimension? How does it look like? Is there matter/energy inside?

Thanks and I look forward to hearing your views!

Regards
Victor

Thanks Evelyn! 🙂

I look forward as always to new revolutionary insights from you! :):):)

Hope you don’t mind I make too much noises here can le..:P

Insightful post. Thanks for the different perspectives.

Hi Evelyn,
I am Anita’s cousin:-) I discovered your site by searching “help in troubled times” and getting the link for 7 steps to surviving tough times. I cannot even begin to explain the journey I have been on for the past 13 months, well, really 26 months-ultimately 17 years! Most recently I have been involved in a very bitter custody dispute. The allegations made and accusations shook me to my core and instead of reacting like a victim, I got sick and tired and decided to go on the offense. I have ultimately paid a higher personal price for this choice. I was left feeling out of touch, like I did not even know myself. I resented being forced into this position, not accepting that I chose this position. Reading this post about choosing peace or drama helped me to confront that the very things that angered and terrified me about my “enemy” existed in me as well-scary! Your posts have been thought provoking and insightful. Thank you for putting this out there and sharing -it has been invaluable. After reading this post I decided to end the war and almost as soon as I made this decision, was rewarded with kind, reasonable and respectful communication from my “enemy.” I am not sure if it can be trusted, but have decided that as long as I am at peace with my choices, the rest will fall into place. There is a christian saying that goes like this: God will change your mind before he changes your circumstances. A person very close to me told me this around the time I discovered your site and I just could not wrap my mind around this or the things you were saying about attracting what we want in our lives. I felt attacked and my EGO was in overdrive. Now I have been blessed by learning through personal experience….it really works! I am so thankful. Thank you:-)

Understanding and forgiveness & consciousness is a must! We are all mirror images of each other. It seems so easy to accept happiness over anger, happiness comes so natural without any effort of consciousness. We’re all running on automatic pilot majority of the time. If we start focusing on observing our every moment with full attention in a mature way, it begins to open easier for us. Hanging around un-consious people helps to focus on where your mind is, in the moment/now. Don’t avoid them. Reverse your steps in learning. Start with negativity energies then work your way back to peace of mind and letting go with every thought.
I keep reminding this light being, I am blessed with all these other blessed beings, they are great teachers! 😉